[SFX] WWII bomber sound.]

“Pilot to Bombardier, Pilot to Bomb Barter … We’re experienceing technical difficulties… We need a flimsy premise!

Roger Roger! Calling Mrs Premise!

[click-dialtone, rustling clatter, lo fi quality] ‘allo? This is Mrs Conclusion… Agnes is out with the cat at the moment…”

(TOGETHER) “We all hope she’ll be better soon.”

[sounds of bombs falling] Captain, We’ll all miss her.

“Well, your aim will get better with practice.”

“Duke, you’ve switched off your navi-computer.”

Well I aim too!

Chaplian! “We’ve got nothing but Mr. Blue Sky from now on.”

“He’s here? I thought it was the Bee Gees.”

“We’re losing control!”

“Well, pass more legislation!”

“We passed it miles ago, you should have said something before we left.”

“Well, I was right!”

There’s nothing we can do….. It’s Disco!

“Disco – Duck”

[School sounds kids laughing… fade in cheerleaders practicing]

ohhh… look at ~him~

ohyea look at the size of his feet.

Yea… but Fuzzy Duck Dyansty?

[Fuzz guitar, ala Joe Walsh/ Peter Frampton] “Yes I do!” Do you feel?” Do you feel like I do?”

[Ding! Ding! Ding!] )ala boxing ring

“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the ka-nineth annual dog-eat-dog boxing rock-n-roll shoot out womp-petition! Tonights special guests are Joe Walsh! [w talk box] “Hello” Peter Frampton! “Hell-o there!”

Robbit the Robot Rabbit {furry rabbit version of Robbie the Robot}”What’s Up Doc?” And a Sinclair Computer!

**********************************

“Mr Wizard? How do I tell the difference between and Actual Sign and merely My Imagination?”

“I have bad news Jimmy, there is really is no difference. But wait Jimmy, before you go and dunk your head in that vat of avid, Know that your consciousness enters into the universe almost exactly like the light enters the one side of this prison, and almost immediately escapes out the other side, but over here on this side as a fantastic rainbow of colors, just waiting for our surprise and enjoyment….”

[MR WIZARD LOWERS THE FLASK AND LOOKS OVER AT JIMMY.

JIMMY LOOKS FRANTIC YET FROZEN, THEN DUNKS HIS HEAD INTO THE OPEN TANK]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gXvVUg-VAE

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause…

tooooooOOOO0000000 NITE’S! Program has been Brooaaaaaaauughhhhhh AUGHT! to you BUY BUY! Flesh Roasted Dark Stain Coffeeeeeeeee…. It’s Dark Stain Coffee is Flesh Roasted!

EeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAEOOoooOoooOOOoooO

“What are you doing?” I’m Vowelling Out Gravefully!!!”

++++++++

ALA “Hagar the Horrible”

Viking rader with significant goatee, ‘loaded for bear’, arms full -w- knife in mouth marches through the room and ~just~ as boot is about to door threshold, Lovely bouncy blond pigtail cleavage viking spouse pops up, Viking stops dead in his pose:

“You’ve not eat one bite today, you’re staying right here until you’ve had a bite to eat!” She holds out grog in one hand and sloppy pot in other. Viking stands on one leg, nervously… then….
[Brightly] Stuffs his goatee firmly into the slop pot; a giant sucking sound ensues (Ross Perot in the background]…. immediately folled by the grog. She beams with joy and wipes his beard and gives him a kiss… He grunts nice noises at her and the both go on their way.

()()()()()()()()

Welcome once again to To Nites’ edition of Cognitive Dissonance! Tonight’s broadcast brought to you by Pigs! Not just for breakfast anymore!

On tonight’s CD, we’re going to be Distressing for Dollars!

Beware the Electric Cheese! We wear the Eclectic Sneeze! She does as she pleases…

[lowered, funeral home voice] This e-venn-ing’s prize is the ever present sound that softly and continuously emits it’s soothing resonant tone…. the artist has named this creation “The Pop Star Comes”

DING! DING! DING! [WHISKEY JUG AND OCARINA, THREE BLASTS]

Now it’s time to play “Make with the Quantitative Already!”

“welcome lambs to the blessed lady of the holy assumption”

()()()()()()()()()()

….. aaaAAAND WELCOME! to ~tonights version of Chicken Tomorrow!…. brought to you by our oldest and most steadfast sponder … Just Water.

[Tinkling Music]

“Oh hey there!” Is that Just Water you’re drinking?”

“Why yes! As a matter of fact it IS Just Water.”

Just Water… Try it today!

[Full-blown Church Assembly Choir Singing “Please Cheese Us!”]

++++++++++++

“Hello there! This is Burnt Banana! Reporting to you live! from the scene of an atrocious atrocity, of such ferocious ferocity, immense animosity that we’re all down here running around like we’re on fire!”

“Burt! Burt! I have an urgent message for Burt Bananna!”
(ANGRILY) Hey! The name’s BURNT! BURNT BANANNA! I mean… look at me! (SMOULDERING) Do you think I’m named after goddamed Burt & Earnie?!?! JEEESUS! (SPITS ON GROUND, SIGHS HEAVILY) “Allright kid… what have you got?”

“There’s a naked man in the Mal-Wart!”

“What? Again?”

[CUT TO SECURITY CONSOLE INSIDE CLOSED ROOM, WALL OF B&W MONITORS ON THE WALL. FAT SECURITY GUARD SEES NAKED MAN ENTER THROUGH FRONT DOOR AREA]

GUARD: (INTO CONSOLE MIC) “Boss…. Boss…”
BOSS: (ON SPEAKER) “Yea… what?”
GUARD: “we’ve got another naked man entering the store”
BOSS: “What section is he headed towards?”
GUARD: “Looks like produce.”
BOSS: “Get Lydia, see if her team can herd him towards men swear.”

“Now he’s in plumbing.”
“He’s out of joints. Get Rollin Hand on the line.”

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