Edna was lost. “What the hell just happened?” Yogi was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a smell reminiscent of Aqua Velva cut her internal conversation short. Her head still on a pivot, now veered to locate the source of the offense. Naturally, it was obvious. Her stomach immediately reeled at the first sight of this character.
The slime was not so polished as it oozed from the finger rings, the gold bling in the chest hair lapel framed with White Captain’s Jacket, nor from his Blue Admiral’s Hat (with Scrambled Eggs) that was really too small and did nothing for his straight, greased, black hair; but perhaps it was because most of the nauseating pressure was extruding from That Giant Smile gleaming suspended under the fake designer sunglasses on the face of the Iranian Used Car Salesman.
A large, white angular car with black windows lumbered into the parking lot just as Slimeball was clearing the corner of the gold land barge with the peeling white vinyl top. She was looking for a way to duck the lethal beam of that smile, and she cursed yogi for leaving her in the lurch.
Yogi’s training kicked in, she simultaneously began to formulate strategies for evasion, escape, and Conflict Resolution between White Car, Slimeball and who the hell ever else… when his laughing words floated into her sphere and wrecked her trains: “Is any action truly required, what is it that you think is about to happen?” Unconsciously she had been stepping backwards from the center of the lot, back-towards a group of derelict trucks.
Just as she fully assessed this question, the Lethal Smile had swivelled to meet the driver’s window of the giant white mobile. The car rolled up as the front window rolled down, revealing the driver’s silhouette popping out with a glowing floating smile of it’s own.
Edna suppressed a laugh as she watched the two smiles converse with one another. She swore later it was a trick of the light, but it seemed that, through the dust and haze of the desert parking lot, in the shadows of the noonday sun, that it looked exactly like two Cheshire cats making a some sort of Mexican deal.
She busted out with a snort and both of the smiles turned and flashed at her. This shot a bolt of terror that pinned her to the spot. She rolled her eyes counterclockwise vigorously and slapped herself in the solar plexus.
Inhaling deeply, she looked up and the parking lot was empty, save for a meagre dust devil playing with the vinyl top. Neither the white car nor that predatory smile were anywhere to be seen.
Yogi cleared his throat, startling the poor girl back to reality. “Darling dearest you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” She was torn between a variety of theories, none of which were in any way resembling anything acceptable. This point only seemed to infuriate her. Her head spun around, locked in, and blasted.
“Where the hell have you been? I could have been kidnapped and accosted and…” “completely taken for granted just like you’ve always wanted?” Yogi’s own smile gleamed sincerely as always, naturally making things worse. “You son of a bitch, leaving me all alone out here with these strange men.”
Yogi plainly looked slowly around the parking lot, turning his bedazzling robes casually….”It would appear I am the only strange man in this parking lot…” He turned and appeared sympathetic, casting a tinge of nauseation on his face, “Dear, you would look really beautiful in a hat, one like this one with a wide brim…” from nowhere he produced a huge straw hat with a nicely trimmed wide woven brim and placed it on her head, gently tying the ribbon prettily under her chin. She was too flustered, hot, tired, and exasperated to even try and fight it.
Yogi produced bottles of juices from his robes and handed one without looking to Edna and drank deeply from his own, polishing it off in one gulp; then sighing noisily and belching deeply. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
‘Barbarian’ she thought. ‘He is capable of literal miracles, yet I never can really tell…like this hat…where the hell did the hat come from…he always has a reasonable explaination…. damnit! Yet he is so CRUDE, and unsavory…. I just don’t understand, maybe “It’s a man thing.” extends to the realm of the gods…”
He belched noisily once again and patted his belly with gusto. “Ah!” He brightened up and began searching around for nearby possessions. “Our ride has arrived!” He slung a small bag over his shoulder and a small monkey, dressed neatly in a fez and vest, with tiny pantaloons jumped onto yogi’s other shoulder.
Edna froze, transfixed by the Monkey; he busied himself lightly grooming his tail and his left calf, biting and clawing evenly, using his right hand and foot to cling to yogi’s robe. Meanwhile a Giant White Bus of a van, completely adorned with clean, pristine, transparent windows, glides silently into the parking lot, scarcely raising a swirl of dust. Edna’s mesmerised monkey gaze was involuntarily pulled to watch the van as it floated into position between the two, make that three of them and the row of stagnant automobiles. It bobbed up, lurching like a balloon on a tether, swinging back down and bouncing onto it’s wheels lightly, up about three inches then SLAMM! Hard down onto the desert pack like it weighed ten tons. Sounds of the driver began spewing from the front like overheated coolant. “God Damnnit! Fucking Controller! Jesus Fucking Christ! AAAaarrrghhhh!”
The Monkey lept through the open passenger window, yanked off the driver’s hat and started beating him with it. “WHAT THE FUCK YOU GODDAMNED MONKEY!” The monkey stuffed the hat into the red faced driver and lept to the back of the van to escape a dire fate…
Yogi Laughed and swirled his hands, and the driver seemed to have found a bottle of water, and Edna was swimming in her own dream state. The Monkey popped open the forward half of the van’s double side doors, and rolled it open onto it’s stop, propping it open. Leaping onto the top of the open door he gazed at Edna, then turned to yogi. “Who’s the girl?, and do you think if I gave her a push she would fall over?”
This seemed to cause the center of Edna’s forehead to sink in. She felt somewhat light headed. The Monkey was fishing around in his vest and donned a pair of tiny RayBans, with their own little beaded chain. “I don’t think the hat is working. Lady you better get in the van before you eat dirt.” Suddenly this was the first sensible thing anyone had said since they left Alexandria. The left double door seemed to pop open of it’s own accord, and she flopped, floppy hat and all into the short seat behind the driver. A craggy, bearded scott of a face was pointed into the open tub area between the seats, the tub currently upside down on the passenger seat, with the engine and gutty works exposed. She had to snort slightly to herself at his sterotypical tartan beret, though this was stunted by her thoughts of how did it really stay on his head?
Though Edna was no mechanic, she sensed that this was different, it was not hot, nor smelly, nor dirty. Closer inspection revealed this did not look like an engine. She knew how to do oil, and filters, but this had none of those…This looked more like an arrangement of metal dinner plates, and modern art cylindrical tubes and shapes…The driver was fiddling with a colored plate at the top of the arrangement.
A strong Scottish accent cut suddenly throught the air. “Yea…damn sand gets in everything. I’ve got a nifty interface between the wheels and the directions, but keeping her on the damn ground where she weighs something good is a pain in the ass! He stopped and looked at her square. “I get her back to the states, the resolution on this discriminator is getting increased first thing!” He turned without awaiting a response and began cleaning his hands on greasy gob. Yogi was climbing in the side door and placing bags into the back. “Rocko? How’s your lovely beast of burden today?” Rocko hokked and spat out the window. “Don’t ask, we’re gassin’ beans right now, until I can get this controller cleaned out…”
Rocko flipped the tub over with practiced motion and locked it into place. “All right everyone, all ashore going ashore!” Pumping the gas pedal vigorously, he began cranking the lumberous engine. It fired, then backfired muffled, spewing a cloud of stinking blue smoke. He revved the engine noisily, it sputtering to life, then idling smoothly. He let his foot out and let it come to an easy pace. “That kind of shit is why I invented this!” and thumbed the closed tub. He eyed the cabin to the sound of doors closing. “Everyone in? Everyone ready? Allright!”
He rolled the steering wheel and the bus lurched forth with surprising speed and agility, merging seemlessly into the thronging traffic.
The driver continued to spout obsinities